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Why God Didn’t Make Men Mothers

June 22, 2013

It Was Adam’s Fault!

Have you ever wondered why men weren’t the ones to give birth to human offspring? After all, according to them, they are the bigger and the stronger of the two sexes. They have a higher pain threshold, and after all, they were created first. Thank God, that in his infinite wisdom, he chose woman to be the birth vehicle. Had he not, the Bible would have been a short story.

Even in the beginning, man was full of hot air. Adam, the big, brave, name-all-the-animals man couldn’t even stand up to a stupid snake, and let Eve take the blame. He was standing right next to her, and all he had to do was say, “No thank you, Eve,” when she offered him the apple. But no, he had to take a bite! We have Adam to thank for pain in childbirth, ladies!

Does My Head Feel Hot?

First of all, men are geared to being sperm donors. That’s it. Remember, men are reduced to infants when the first sniffle or cough occurs. If there is a fever, they become total invalids. Could you picture a man having to go though a monthly period in order to produce an egg suitable for fertilization? The first time he had cramps he’d be totally useless. He’d be better off in an induced coma for 5-7 days a month. Second, knowing how vain men are, what are they going to do when their pants are too tight to zip because of monthly water weight gain?

I couldn’t imagine a man going through this month after month, year after year until either he became pregnant, or experienced menopause. Could you? Yeah, neither could God.

The Fear Factor

Picture this: “Honey, I’m late,” your man says, “No dear, you still have 10 more minutes before you have to leave,” you cheerfully answer back. “No, I’m late,” he replies more forcefully. You look at him with a blank face, then suddenly understanding dawns. “Ohhhhh, are you sure? Have you been to the doctor?” He’s now looking at you as if you’ve grown another head, and no wonder. When have you ever known a man to go to the doctor voluntarily? They self-diagnose, and self-medicate themselves.  Do they do this because they are so well versed in the field of medicine? No. The reason can be summed up in one word — fear. They’re scared to death! The fear factor of giving birth alone would cause men to miscarry or drop dead on the spot. God of course realized this.

Take Me Out Back and Shoot Me

There he is, poor dear, with his head in the toilet. Morning sickness. You would have washed your face, pulled yourself together, and gone in to the office. He, on the other hand, is moaning, groaning and demanding that he have IHSS (In Home Support Service) for the duration of the pregnancy.

You’ve heard men talk about how they despise weakness and can handle anything? Well get ready for the ‘whine heard round the world’ when he discovers he can no longer wear regular clothes, his feet are two sizes bigger, and everyone loves his “baby bump” and wants to touch it! (God has his headphones on listening to “I Am Woman.”)

Hee-hee-hoooo, Hee-hee-hoooo

Contractions are now 10 minutes apart and we are at the hospital. The doctor asks one more time about an anesthetic, but the man again tells the story about how he took a bullet in combat and never had anything for the pain. “This will be a piece of cake,” he says. Besides, he knew the breathing techniques from the Lamaze classes. Well, when the contractions started coming fast and furious, I mentioned about the breathing. I was told, in no uncertain terms, what I could do with the hee-hee-hoo.  So much for the battle wound and higher pain threshold. As he was being wheeled into delivery, the last thing I heard from him was a primal scream for “MORPHINE!” It was heard throughout the hospital without the aid of a PA system. He should have had the epidural. What if God had given him twins or triplets?

In Conclusion…

The most interesting thing was that, when asked, the man said he never wanted that experience again; unlike a woman. Also unlike a woman, when the baby was given to him, he did not forget the pain. It was still fresh in his memory. And last but not least, when he went home, it was not the baby he wanted to show off, but his “battle scars” to his buddies, his home boys, his peeps. Yes, God made the right choice when he decided not to make men mothers. They were going to make great fathers, though!


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